Why “Stay Strong for the Kids” Is Not Helping Them

The Science of Emotional Suppression and What Children Actually Need

There is a sentence people love to give grieving parents, usually with a pat on the back or a soft sigh:

“Just stay strong for the kids.”

At first, it sounds encouraging.

Until you realize what it quietly demands.

It tells you to swallow your tears.

To keep a straight face even when your heart is breaking.

To push your own grief so far down that you can make room for everyone else’s.

But research tells a different story. Children do not thrive when we hide our pain.

They thrive when we let them see what honesty looks like.

Children Learn by Watching Us Feel

Kids do not learn emotional skills because we tell them how to feel.

They learn because they see us feel.

Researchers at the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence found that children develop emotional vocabulary by observing adults, not listening to instructions. If a parent avoids their own feelings, the child often decides:

• We do not talk about hard things here.

• Big feelings make people uncomfortable.

• If I am sad, I should be quiet.

They begin carrying their feelings silently, in their room, inside their chest.

Not because they prefer it.

But because they believe that is what healing requires.

The Body Keeps the Score: What Suppression Does Internally

Studies from the American Psychological Association show that suppressing emotions causes:

• Higher stress hormones

• Increased heart rate

• Higher tension in the nervous system

Inside the brain are cells called mirror neurons.

These cells fire when a child sees a parent express or avoid emotions. If a parent hides grief, the child learns to hide parts of themselves too.

You can tell a child “You can talk to me,”

but they believe it only if they see you express emotions as well.

Children Do Not Need Superheroes

They need to know they are not alone.

A long term study in the Journal of Family Psychology found that children feel more secure when the surviving parent expresses grief in a calm, regulated way.

Not perfectly.

Not without tears.

Just honestly.

Because seeing you feel gives them permission to feel too.

Try This Instead of “Staying Strong”

Imagine sitting on the couch together.

The house feels quieter than it used to.

You take a breath and say:

“I am having a sad moment because I miss them. It is okay if you feel sad too.”

That single sentence gives them:

• Emotional language

• Emotional safety

• Connection

You do not need a script.

You just need truth.

You Do Not Have To Hold It Together

You only have to hold the moment.

There is nothing more powerful for a child than learning that love and sadness can exist in the same room. Tears are not signs of weakness. Missing someone means they mattered.

Your child does not need you to be unbreakable.

They just need to know:

• Feelings are welcome here.

• Your grief does not scare me.

• We will get through this together.

Strength is not the absence of tears.

Strength is allowing love to be seen.

Practical Tools for Grieving Parents

A short list to help you model emotional honesty

When you are sad, try saying:

• “I miss them today and that is why I am quiet.”

• “My heart feels heavy. Does your heart ever feel that way?”

• “You do not have to cheer me up. We can feel this together.”

When your child is sad, try saying:

• “Thank you for telling me. Your feelings are safe with me.”

• “Tell me what your heart needs right now.”

• “There is no wrong way to feel. I am here.”

Family rituals that reduce emotional suppression:

• A weekly memory share. “One thing I miss. One thing I am grateful for.”

• A candle lighting moment at dinner.

• A photo corner or memory basket kids can access on their own.

The goal is not to fix the sadness, but to create a space where feelings can breathe.

Sources

• Gottman, J. (1997). Meta Emotion and Emotion Coaching.

• Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. Research on emotional modeling and child development.

• American Psychological Association. Studies on emotional suppression and cortisol stress response.

• Journal of Family Psychology. Research on parental expression of emotion and child adjustment after loss.